A Poem for J

jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
dear j, you are just i with a little backward tail.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
...but o how you've encircled me...
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
...and x-ed me out.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
i know U better now because of the curve that contains
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
all of the empty space inside
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
and because it starts Up...
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
...even at the end of yoU.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Examination of FAITH, KNOWING, HOPE, TRUST, WANT, WISH

I've been examining these concepts for awhile now and am interested in how other people think about them...I'd love to revise based on my new understandings. So make me a liar, find me the holes -- I won't be offended.

Any other terms you think might be interesting to play with in this realm of investigation and human-truth seeking? POST!

------------------------------------------

FAITH demands no proof, exists outside the realm of proof. It's strictly spiritual and personal. It is believing something without question or doubt. It is absolute. (e.g. Everything will be okay. Such and such WILL happen.)

"Faith is a substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
Hebrews 11:1

KNOWING is a worldly experience. Knowing is mental and not spiritual. It involves facts -- something that can be agreed upon through repeated experimentation and objectivity. (e.g. scientific knowing: I know when I let go of this pencil, it will drop to the floor because of gravitational force. e.g. personal knowing: I know that I like chocolate because every time I taste it, I am pleased.)

HOPE involves some worldly experience (senses, science, measurement, history, personal history) -- enough proof and enough doubt to keep us from faith. (e.g. I hope my husband isn't cheating on me. He has these certain behaviors which make me believe that he's cheating...but I can't be sure, I don't have all the facts.")

TRUST is faith built on worldly experiences and is personal and scientific. (e.g. personal trusting: I have seen John behave in a certain way enough times under certain circumstances that I can expect that John will behave the same way again under those same/similar circumstances. My friend has betrayed me by doing x,y,z; therefore, my trust has been breached. e.g. scientific trusting: I don't trust this plank to support me walking on it because the wood is flimsy and bends when I step on it; i've stood on flimsy things before and I have fallen.)

WANT is something that comes from our humanity (mind, body and emotion), something we long for, something we *will* to achieve, something ego-based/selfish. Wanting often creates action toward achievement of an outcome/result. (e.g. I want my grandmother to heal from cancer"...so I start looking up remedies and treatments. I want my husband to hug me more often or initiate fun things to do. I want to learn Japanese so I can feel smarter or so I can visit the country and communicate effectively.) Wants are a means to an end.

WISH is something that we want to magically appear/happen, but have no energy to put any effort into it or feel/know we have no control over. (e.g. I wish my grandmother would live forever. I wish I would win the lottery. I wish she wouldn't judge me so harshly. I wish for world peace/domination. ;) I wish I had a hamburger RIGHT NOW.

The Meaning of VAL-

Question:

- How can we obtain and sustain meaningful, long-lasting relationships without access to other-validation?

 

Word Unit: val- valid-, vale-, -vail, -valent, -valence

 

Latin Meaning: valere, to be strong, to be well, to be worth; strong; power, strength; and "fare well" [go with strength]

 

Words (Common): valid, validate, valor, availabie, evaluate. equivalence, prevail, prevalent, convalescent, ambivalent, valentine, valient, invaluable/value/devalue/overvalue/undervalue.  Valentine?

 

Source: http://wordinfo.info/units/index/V

 

 

Thoughts/Lessons/Experiences:

 

- When we are validated, others express our value to them. Conversely, when we validate others, we express our value in them.

 

- When we self-validate ("I am good at x." or "I can y." or "I place a z quality or value or positive judgement on myself."), we are both strengthening ourselves and reclaiming our own sense of worth -- but only in our own minds in order to regulate negative emotions. Our own minds are a separation from the rest of the world's experience of us. Self-validation is a self-preservation/self-defense mechanism and not always aligned with other's perceptions of us -- whether their perceptions are accurate or not.

 

Recent Expressions Delivered to Me:

Volo, non valeo. -- I am willing but unable.

Vale. -- Goodbye.

Aeternum vale. -- Farewell forever.

Vive valeque, -- Live and be well.

 

Ambivalence, Ambivalency

1. Behavior resulting from two incompatible motivations, often taking the form of a mixture of the two motivational tendencies.

2. The presence of two opposing ideas, attitudes, or emotions at the same time.

3. A feeling of uncertainty about something due to a mental conflict.

 

---------------------------------------

 

Human Values (what humans value), according to one man that appeal to me:

http://www.drhu.eu/publications/2009-ICAIT-BeyondL-ValuesAcrossTheVirtualAndTheReal/img/image002.png

 

The Value of Love, Respect, Trust, Communication of one man that appeal to me:

http://www.kairoer.com/?q=my_values

 

Christy's Prompt / My Challenge:

Southwest Airlines has three values:

A Warrior Spirit

A Servant’s Heart

A Fun-LUVing Attitude

"WHAT ARE YOURS?"

 

The Values I Posted to Christy's Prompt

Personally: True Love, Meaningful Work, Life-long Learning/Adventurous Spirit.

Business (Meaningful Work): Conscientious Decision-Making (People, Planet/Profit), Equal Energy Exchange, Caring & Creative Atmosphere.

 

What I want to believe again:

Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est.

Life is not [just] to live, but life is to be strong, vigorous.

Life is more than merely staying alive.

Thanks 

Prompted by conversation with Jo Baer, challenge by Christy Morell-Stinson, meeting with Amy Engenberger, ongoing struggle with the value of DBT and other self-help systems with Leslie Scaramuszzo.

About Passionate Topics

About Passionate Topics, originally posted Thursday, February 3, 2011 to FB

It amazes me that when we communicate passionately about a topic, it almost doesn't matter what the topic is! that there is some raw, human truth in the mix that is hidden there for everyone. And this is one of those communications.

Thanks for the inspiration, Sisters:

Written by Sasha Diez

Copyedited by Rebecca St. Martin

Contributed by Sarah Rose

---------BEGIN--------

Being [this way] again makes me feel a certain kind of pressure. Every moment people asking when ["this"] or if ["that"]. Having to ... ________ ... and not ____________. I feel this pressure to please others or to be..."normal".

My first experience was so unfortunate. And although [it turned out positively,] I feel this experience that [others] should have was taken away from me with no choice.

Some argue telling me that it doesn't matter or I should let it go. Or some just don't care to understand what that would feel like.

I am pretty proud of the things I have done as a [human being]. [choosing] up to this point when [it] started out rough. Juggling [so many things] and still manage to be so devoted....

I really feel that _____ has been such a wonderful support during all of this. _______ is a wonderful _____ and a wonderful ______ (love saying that). _______ is right behind me no matter what.

But, being a(n) ______, _______, _______, [human being] makes the pressure so much more intense.

I have done my research.

I feel so positive about my choice....

I feel prepared. I feel supported by ________.

I know [I am] ready.

And god dammit.... I want this. I want this so bad. I want to [have this new experience] right away. I want what any [human being] wants:...gentle ... experience. I see myself experiencing this...gentle [experience].

I am ready to say NO...to anything I feel uncomfortable about. But, I just HATE that I have to do that. I shouldn't feel this pressure to be "normal". I shouldn't have to listen to the scare tactics they give [us] just to benefit them. [Everything] is perfectly fine right now.

To all the ... [human beings] I know. I want you to remember that you have a voice. You are in control of [your experience]. Don't let someone take that away from you. Find the best _________ for you and your experience, and make sure that if you decide to _________ that interventions will likely happen verse[s] [the typical alternatives].  So you MUST be prepared and MUST be knowledgeable. You are in control.

It would be nice to have a normal experience. No [abnormalities, undesired surprises or challenges]. But, I can not take that way. And to be honest I wouldn't. I feel that [my experience] gave me a voice. [It] changed me. [It] made me the [human being] I am today. I will forever be grateful of that.

I feel that this [experience] will be the outcome of the voice I was given. [It] already taught me how to cope with fear. To not be afraid of __________-ing and to believe in myself.

No matter what happens, I know this.... I am [INSERT YOUR NAME].... and I am strong. What ever this new ... experience will be is my experience. And it's courageous and beautiful. 

--------END-------

Read the original at: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150101354309868&id=665249776

Also, there is a book called "If You Want to Write" by Brenda Ueland, in which you can replace "writing" with any activity you are passionate about. Just cross out "writing" in your mind and insert "racing" -- or whatever you wish. Here's where to find the book on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1935785575/rebeccstmarti-20

Shopping for Clothing

Amy Dacyczyn (author of the Tightwad Gazette) tells a story of how she taught her daughter to manage money and choose according to her values. Amy said she would contribute funds to buy a certain amount at a thrift store and if her daughter wanted "brand name new" she would have to come up with the "difference" in funds on her own. After being given the choice -- and after reviewing the relative quality of the merchandise -- her daughter noted that she didn't like "new" clothing *that much* more than used. Her daughter even admitted being *equally* satisfied with her thrifty, used purchases than the new alternatives. 

I come from a family of Dayton's/Macy shoppers. I don't know if you have this department store in your home town, but it's rather expensive to shop there. Last time I did (~10 years ago), prices looked like this:

• pair of jeans = $80-100
  
• sweater = $50-80 
  
• blouse = $30-80 
  
• pair of socks = $5-10 
  
• winter jacket = $75-250  
  

What's interesting is that at my local thrift store, I can buy the same, *exact* name brand merchandise used and in good condition for these kinds of prices:  

• pair of jeans = $6 
  
• sweater = $7 
  
• blouse = $5 
  
• pair of socks = $0.50 
  
• winter jacket = $10-25
  

That's a pretty big difference! For the price of a typical single item at Macy's, I can have 5-20 items at Arc Value Village...and the money I spend goes to a good cause: providing support services to mentally disabled children and adults -- and not to some rich people who have more than they know what to do with.  

As a creative person, shopping this way affords me the opportunity to trade out my wardrobe when I get bored with it. (I usually do this once or twice a year.) Also, when I get a stain on that white blouse or a hole in a sock, I don't feel so bad because the investment is small -- and it can still be used as a rag.

In fact, I got a stain on a white t-shirt near the collar and was irritated for a second, until I remembered that cool 80s style of cutting off the collar of a sweatshirt (Jennifer Beal). So I did this. Sadly, the shirt kept falling off my shoulders. So then, I slit the bugger up both sides to the armpits, cut left and right slits going up both sides, and tied the pieces together to make a fringe-- an idea i'd gotten from another shirt I bought thrift. This tightened up the fit so it would stay up. I love this shirt now more than when I bought it. And even when I schmucked it, I could STILL make something of it.  

As a creative person, I also LOVE to find deals and negotiate. It's fun to save money...it's like a game! BTW, Amy Dacyczyn has just short of a million kids under her roof...but neither she nor her husband have to work for "the man" on account of their spending regime. They can build the lifestyle they want.

In addition to saving money, I find being thrifty builds community. Since my aunt knows I love being thrifty (and I also like her sense of style), she sends me a box twice a year of designer clothing -- literally thousands of dollars of merchandise in each box. (Very generous!) I have several friends with whom we share our clothing donation bins before we donate.

And as a last move to pinch the penny around clothing, I always make sure to get my donation slip for the clothes I donate to charitable causes as a tax write-off.

Businesses Spying on Consumers

by Rebecca St. Martin on Wednesday, August 4, 2010 at 2:26pm

I have noticed lots of hype in the news going on about "businesses using the Internet to spy on consumers." Here's one such article, entitled "The Web's New Gold Mine: Your Secrets" by Julia Angwin:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703940904575395073512989404.html

This negative portrayal of what data-gathering businesses do just plain ticks me off. 

"Spying" suggests that there is confidential, personal information that's being used -- more importantly, used against consumers for duplicitous purposes. In reality, businesses are not interested in individuals -- they are interested in markets. 

What Angwin describes in her article is what businesses have been doing forever: gathering aggregate data so that they may display more appropriate ads, deliver more interesting opportunities to their audience (market segment) and hopefully, generate more happy customers and become profitable from it. It just so happens that there are newer, faster ways of doing this. 

Sadly, the effectiveness of using aggregate statistics from web-based applications remains to be seen, but it's innovative -- not intrusive. Web sites visitors "put out there" what they choose. If they have a problem with how their "data" is being "used," then they can choose to stop participating.

Learn more about the concepts:

Market Segmentation
------------------------------
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marketing#Market_segmentation

Aggregate Data / Aggregate Statistics
------------------------------
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statistics
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1674995_1683300,00.html?cnn=yes

Usefulness of Aggregate Data
------------------------------
http://jaxn.org/article/the-usefulness-of-aggregate-statistics

For Cat Lovers

Cat Drinking From the Faucet loves to dip his head all the way under. This is entitled the "Inefficient Drinker." c/o Doris Rubenstein from PDPservices.com

Closer to Fine, Even without a Foot

Only the footless knows the blessings of the feet.

But then, of course, there are the exceptions of those who have body dysmorphia, who feel that their feet are deeply burdensome. I have a certain disagreement with the word "dysmorphia" because of the "dys-" prefix because by dictionary definition, it means "bad,"

ASIDE: Before you object to my "political correctness," please know that I have only a small, but deep incentive to be politically correct. I belong in large part to a community that abhors how rampant political correctness is -- to the tune of feeling that they are unable to express any new ideas because someone is ready to jump all over them when a word "taken" in the wrong context and spirit. I have great empathy for this frustration because I inherently have a desire to express myself and believe that others share this desire, too. I know what it's like to be verbally attacked because I used a word they were offended by. My incentive to be politically correct is only in the spirit of deeply communicating with people I value -- so that my ideas will be accepted and considered, so that they will respond in kind with their ideas, and so that we can both benefit from the process of knowledge sharing.

Video documentary on body dysmorphia.

My disagreement with the prefix dys- in dysmorphia comes from the ambiguity inherent in the word; it's so easy for people to confuse what the meaning of "bad" is directed at exactly: the person? the condition? the limb?

Don't we as a species have not an obligation, but the honor of helping others achieve their deepest desires and dreams as long as it doesn't harm or burden anyone else?

And then again, how can we be absolutely sure that harm and burden are completely avoided -- ever?

I understand the feelings that people have with body dysmorphia:

The doctor says, "What if, in my best intentions to heal, I proceed to amputate and the patient returns and says they made a mistake -- they want their foot back, and maybe worse, wants to sue me for it." *Notice the fear of losing the life's work.

The religious community says, "If we are supposed to feel grateful with what we already have, how can someone who does not and cannot feel blessed for their foot (no matter how hard they try), fit into our community?" *Notice the directive of "supposed to."

The government says, "We have a commitment to provide aid to those who cannot do for themselves. How do we handle the paradoxical situation where someone would actually become "more able" with the removal of their foot?" *Notice the underlying belief surrounding "ability" and what it means to be "able."

Some folks without a foot might say, "How dare you want your foot removed when I cannot have one of my own!" Others might say, "I can't imagine why you'd want to make your life more difficult, but go right ahead." And still others might say, "Jump on in! The water's just fine." *Notice the varying degrees of contentment with their own situations.

These last people of whom I speak...they are swimming in the pool of my happiest dreams. And my wish for everyone is to have an experience like that.

Closer to Fine (lyrics) -- Indigo Girls.
Closer to Fine (music video) -- Indigo Girls.